What are we? Stages of a relationship

^{Written by: Mai-Vy Julia Nguyen}

Have you ever been in a situationship where you struggle to understand what you are? Maybe you’ve questioned yourself on what’s waiting for you as you create a deeper connection with someone. Many researchers have attempted to map out the structure of love. How does it start? How does it end? And, what happens in between?

DeVito’s six-stage model

Dr. Joseph A. DeVito, an author and professor, has examined previous popular stage model theories such as Mark Knabb’s staircase model to propose his own theory. DeVito’s six-stage model of relationships is straightforward as it does not rely on metaphors and encapsulates well how to influence the development of a relationship.

During each stage of DeVito’s model, an individual can choose to stay in that stage, move on to the next or simply quit. They might draw closer to or away from intimacy. It is crucial to note that each partner may perceive the relationship differently and define it at various phases. Finally, each stage can be broken down into two sub-stages: early and late (DeVito, 2008).

Contact

You spot a cute guy at your local coffee shop. Making eye contact, he notices you and starts a conversation. You discover you have a lot in common and are interested in each other.

When you notice someone without talking to them, you are in the early stage of contact also known as perceptual contact. This substage is defined as the moment when you have just spotted someone. In the late stage of contact, called interactional contact, you have shared a conversation with that person or have interacted in some way. During the contact stage, you form an impression of that person and evaluate whether you’d like to move on to the next stage, stay in that stage to collect more information or exit that stage deciding to end the encounter (DeVito, 2008).

Involvement

During this stage, you start to develop a new friendship with that person. You start texting each other, planning casual dates, and you feel connected to them. The first substage, called testing, involves getting to know each other more by engaging in small talk and evaluating whether you had the right first impression on them. If you realise that you differ on many aspects and prefer to not be involved with them, you can exit at this stage. You can also move back to contact as you prefer to keep them at arm’s length or if you like what you see, you enter the late stage of involvement, intensifying. During the intensifying stage, you start spending more time with that person (DeVito, 2008). You meet up with them to grab a coffee or hang out together in your free time. This stage is usually where you keep your friends; you talk to each other about anything, spend quality time together, exchange gifts with each other, etc. If you want to become more than friends, you move on to the next stage: intimacy.

Intimacy

Stepping into this stage means that you become committed to that person. In the early stage, interpersonal commitment, you share a close bond to that person and privately express commitment to each other. It’s like when you first become a couple but decide to not shout it out to the whole world just yet. The relationship stays private between the both of you. Once you are ready to announce it to others, you move on to the later stage of intimacy called social bonding. During this phase, you present yourselves as a social unit (DeVito, 2008).

Deterioration

Even the most perfect relationships encounter misunderstandings. When you find yourself in a fight with your significant other, you are in the deterioration phase. The first substage of deterioration, intrapersonal dissatisfaction, occurs when you feel unhappy in your relationship. You question yourself on whether you should leave the relationship or try to fix it. If your dissatisfaction reaches your partner, you enter the late stage of deterioration called interpersonal dissatisfaction (DeVito, 2008). You now spend less time together or spend more time fighting. You can’t seem to meet each other in the middle of anything and things are taking a turn for the worse quickly. You are now faced with the decision to end the relationship or fix it.

Repair

If you choose to repair your relationship, you can work on yourself or improve together. These aspects correspond respectively to the substages intrapersonal repair and interpersonal repair (DeVito, 2008). By trying to fix the problem on your side, you can define the issue itself, ask yourself what impact you have on the issue, and attempt to change your behaviour or way of thinking. If you decide to fix the relationship together, you must work together to find a solution that would benefit you both—this involves carefully listening to each other’s perspectives.

Dissolution

If the impact of the deterioration is too great, you could choose to end your relationship. During the early stage, interpersonal separation, you keep the break up private all while starting to cut ties. Then you make your way to social/public separation, where you make it known that you have decided to terminate your relationship. This could be done with divorce papers or simply just by openly admitting it’s over (DeVito, 2008).

A map on love

After a closer investigation on the stages of a relationship, you should be  able to situate yourself on DeVito’s model. Using this information could help you distinguish stages and understand what it means to move forward or back. Love can be confusing and complicated but it’s what makes it beautiful.

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Bibliography

• DeVito, J. A. (2008). Essentials of human communication (6th ed). Allyn and Bacon.